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Colombo, Sri Lanka – The International Community is expressing its concern over the deaths of thousands of civilians including at least one hundred children who are caught between the crossfire as fighting raged between the Sri Lankan Armed Forces and the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) an internationally proscribed terrorist outfit. In light of the recent developments in the tiny island off the southern tip of India, a recent survey conducted by CNN on whether the International Community should intervene in the conflict has produced an inconclusive and convoluted set of results.

A Brazilian farmer whose coffee beans where brewed at the recent UN security council meeting told CNN that the International Community should intervene to limit Sri Lanka’s Tea exports while in the neighbouring Caribbean island of Jamaika, polers reported that the sky had turned a deep purplish blue and mumbled incomprehensibly.

Further north, a member of the International Community running Lockheed Martin in New Mexico, United States said that the International Community should definitely intervene in Sri Lanka to find out whether any of the warring parties have been disadvantaged by the US policy of not providing weapons to Sri Lanka. He emphasised that the use of more sophisticated weapons and munitions instead of the cheep Chinese built weapons and old Soviet machinery being used in the conflict, could minimise collateral damage and arming the civilians is the best way to reduce civilian casualties under the circumstances.

Another member of the International Community in Zambia who was happy that he had outlived the average life expectancy in the country of 38.59 years by a full year and 43 days, thus living as long as any Zimbabwean (other than Robert Mugabe) is expected to live, said he would give moral support to any intervention in Sri Lanka but declined to come himself.

Australians unanimously voted in favour of an International intervention to prevent Muththiah Muralidharan from playing international Cricket, while citizens in Madagascar and Timbuktu remained apathetic.

Members of the International Community in Burma were not allowed by its Military Junta to participate in the poll while citizens of Libya and Iran were strongly encouraged by their governments to vote against any intervention by the International Community in the affairs of a sovereign state.

Members of the International Community in Sri Lanka were themselves undecided about the need for Intervention over civilian deaths. The growing consensus among excise and health officials was that the sale of illicit liquor, “Olu Bakko dancers” and the butchering of animals over the Wesak holiday period was a bigger concern.

Nearly a billion members of the International Community were unable to access the survey because they were illiterate while another 1.6 billion people did get to know about the survey because they did not have electricity. Tens of thousands of members of the International Community around the world, including over thirty thousand children under the age of 5, died of starvation soon after responding to the survey within the last 24 hours.

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helpinghand1
For over three decades, we have bombed and shot each other, split our tears and shed them only for ‘our own’, split our joys and celebrated as ‘their’ mothers, wives and children wept. This war will not end when the last shot is fired.
Let us not wait till that last shot is fired… for tomorrow… for the ‘war’ to ‘end’… to realise that we are but branches of the same family tree. Those who would have been our friends, and relatives if only we had not let murderous guns separate us, lie without shelter, unclothed, maimed, bloody and hopeless. They need us now. Our ability to fight and destroy has been established, now let us prove our capacity to forgive, heal and rebuild.
So even while those on many shores protest and shout slogans, let us unite in our own communities, and use the power already devolved to us – not by any constitution or law, but by our inalienable inheritance – to collect clothes, food and other essentials for our fellow countrymen and women and children. Perhaps we still need a “political solution” for the “ethnic conflict”… perhaps warm embraces and sincere smiles would heal the less conspicuous wounds… and a show of gratitude for the sacrifices borne by those who have had to face the violence on our behalf.


nidhi1
Colombo, Sri Lanka – The chief minister of Tamil Nadu and leader of the Denavanam Madahari Kannam (DMK) in South India – M. Karunanidhi – was fined for a traffic violation yesterday when he was caught doing a U-turn on the Tamilezham Highway – which was recently designated a one-way street. The officer who reported the infringement told reporters that Karunanidhi – who had offered a lift to his ‘good friend’ Velupillai Prabhakaran had missed the drop-off point and tried turn back to drop the non-terrorist Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) and its non-psychopathic, friendly leader at Vellamullivaikkal on the northern periphery of the Naththikandal lagoon. Karunanidhi later denied that he did not make a U-turn and was caught out of context while doing burn-outs, dough-nuts and drag-racing on his way to the polls in his heavily pimped up wagon.

Prabhakaran – who accidentally left his car behind at Puthukkudduyiruppu a few weeks ago, has been hitch0kicking and riding on the back of his friends all over the world in London, Ottowa, Sydney and Tamil Nadu, including his non-good-friend Karunanidhi. “I did not give Prabhakaran a ride. He never showed up in time and never offered to pay for fuel” he said, slightly confused about the conflicting messages coming from his circle of friends.


bee-apathetic
Colombo, Sri Lanka – Sri Lankan news media today, reported that information leaked from secret government documents indicates that the President and Government Defence Spokesman have information identifying those who are responsible for repeated attacks on journalists, abduction of civilians and the alarming deterioration of law and order throughout this small island nation off the southern tip of India.
Rights activists accused that the government knew who the offenders are, but have done nothing to bring them to justice. The identity of the assailants was exposed when they attacked school children and foreigners in Sigiriya last week – probably mistaking them for LTTE child soldiers and INGO workers respectively.
The Inspector General of Police declined to comment on the matter, citing that a Presidential inquiry was still underway. “All I can say is that we have not identified the suspects yet” the IGP admitted, but said that his investigators “have received credible information that the criminals were dressed in yellow and black striped furs and had wings on their backs which enabled them to make a hasty escape before police arrived on the scene”.
A spokesperson for the Freemedia Movement – himself a victim once of a similar attack in the past – told reporters that it was clear that the government does not have the will, competency or enough “smokers” to stem the problem. He said he was lucky to survive the attack himself without serious injury apart from a bout of Orchitis.
Political analysts believe however that the group associated with the attack in Sigiriya is one of many that threaten human Rights, Peace, Justice and Democracy in the war-torn island. Pachagilina Gnanasekara – a leading defence expert in the country points out however, that the incidents that took place at the ancient rock-fortress are quite different from those reported in Colombo and its surrounding cities over the past few months. “We have reason to believe that these are two different groups” he pointed out. Mr Gnanasekara believes that the group carrying out attacks in Colombo are more organised and difficult to deal with than the ones in Sigiriya. “We believe that Colombo is infested with ‘Piti Makuno’ (Scientific name: Colombanis Apatheticus) and they cannot be smoked out of their indifference so easily” he confirmed.


Violence does not make me laugh. Yet humour has not only survived nearly two and a half decades of exposure to violence, brutality, intolerance, discrimination, corruption and abuses of power, it has preserved my sensitivity and been a soft padding that shielded me from the hard blows of reality. It has been a key to our resilience as a nation and a safer platform for us to speak truth to power. Because there is a twisted perception that the death of a comedian is more tragic than the death of a philosopher, soldier, a politician or indeed a straight talking newspaper editor.

It’s not easy to make people laugh and it is especially difficult to laugh in the midst of death and destruction of the very essence of our humanity. The most difficult aspect of satirising tragedy however, is dealing with the mix of emotions that you are left with at the end. It actually is painful to make people laugh in the face of tragedy. It is impossible to laugh at the fate of the two LTTE pilots who were shot down, without realising that their fate is in a way tied to mine. Satirising the story only heightens the awareness that a nation that could produce a suicide bomber out of a Tamil could indeed make suicide bombers out of Muslims and Sinhalese and Burgers and Malays and all and any Sri Lankan. I cannot laugh at Mervin Silva without feeling sorry for myself as a Sri Lankan.

Adding to the difficulty and pain is the fear that in satirising reality, one may be inadvertently softening – a bit too much – it’s harshness and leasing a false sense of complacency to the audience. Yet laughter is a conduit that reaches out to a broader audience, much more deeply. It is a good conversation starter – which could lead to a social debate about issues at workplaces and lounge rooms. Satire is a good solvent of tension and diverse opinions. Most of all it adds another perspective to the discourse and debate on social issues and in doing so, teaches us to look at problems from different angles, and inspires us to question not only the status quo, but also our own understanding of reality.

Satire breathes life to our frail optimism. It is also the most honest expression of our hopefulness of better day to come. Perhaps that is why comedy should be a vital ingredient of social discourse and debate. The commission of the comedian in the face of conflict, violence and injustice is not to extract a cheap laugh out of the shallows of apathy, but to lift his audience to the heights of laughter and preserve their sensitivity so that they may be able to dive deeper and with more empathy, into the dark and empty ignorance that has caused, and is, the greatest of our tragedies.


bitethis

Colombo, Sri Lanka – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday.

Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from a kottu roti once, told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. “Our organisation takes the battle against food poisoning and gluten intolerance very seriously” remarked Nadesan who is affectionately known as “Padasami Hari Gandeshwaran” by his associates in reference to his sensitive digestive system.

Defence Secretary Mr. Goatspirit condemned the LTTE attack on innocent farmers claiming that there was no credible evidence that they were responsibile for the food poisoning. “We are a democratically elected government” he explained, adding that “You can’t kill people when there is no evidence of any involvement in criminal activity. As a democratically elected government, we will abduct anyone we suspect of causing the food poisoning and remand them indefinitely under the “Prevention of (Food Poisoning and Propagation of State) Terrorism Act”.

President Rajapakse who was severely distressed by the event, urged all patriotic Sri Lankans to contribute generously to rebuild a railway line so that the government will be able to transport varieties of ‘malu banis’, ‘seeni banis’, ‘kimbula banis’, ‘koka banis’, ‘gal banis’ and ‘nikang banis’ to the war torn northern regions of the country. The president also donated his entire March salary to the project commenting that the flow of ‘malu banis’ to the north will show the world that his government is committed to safeguard the newly won freedom in the North by our heroic soldiers”.

Without this month’s salary, the president is expected to ask for an IMF bailout to balance his budget and meet balance of payments obligations to ‘Paradise cakes’ this month, failing which he will have no alternative but to dip into his retirement savings or start “Helping Hambantota” again to survive.



Chennai, India: Former chief minister of Tamil Nadu, Jayaram Jayalalitha lost her contract with the world renowned ‘Jenny Craig Weight Loss Program’ when she failed to loose the 25kg in 7 days. Speaking to reporters soon after her failed attempt, she emphasised that she never wanted the money, but wanted to set an example to all Tamils to watch their weight. However, MDMK general secretary Vaiko who offered her a glass of fruit juice at the end of the fast told reporters that Jayalalitha looked so starved that he feared the fat hungry woman might swallow him.
The former chief minister pointed out that obesity was one of the biggest health risks in her state of Tamil Nadu and affirmed that her campaign that was aimed at sending out a message to all Tamils to maintain a healthy weight was not an unmitigated disaster. She also criticised prominent Tamils such as Rajinkanth and Rahman for sending a bad message to the population to eat more, even though most of the population can’t really afford to.
She pointed out that her excess weight and the level of corruption in her state was the result of years of AIADMK and MDMK policy to limit the income of the masses that would otherwise be spent on food. She welcomed the Sri Lanka government for limiting the amount of food being sent to Tamil regions and appreciated the creativity of their excuses. Pirbaharan, who has also adopted similar policies with regards to health and nutrition in the region under his control dismissed rumours that he too was about to embark on a fast, confirming that ‘Jenny Craig’ or any other weight loss program has so far not made any reasonable offers.