Government Overhauls National Security Strategy


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10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka – The government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention.

Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where soldiers are most often deployed” he pointed out. The role of the Sri Lankan military has dramatically changed in the post war context from jungle warfare against ruthless terrorists to running errands for the government in a primarily urban environment. The military spokesman observed that “they have now been issued with new camouflage kits that are better suited to this new environment”. Brigadier Pakshadeemana refused to explain what the new uniforms actually looked like, however noting that “the new uniforms of armed forces will provide them with adequate cover from the enemy in any city street that is overflowing with presidential campaign posters, cut-outs of men with moustaches, public funded hoardings for the incumbent and other piles of rotting garbage”. All military vehicles including olive green Armed Personnel Carriers (APC) as well as white Abducted Hostage Carriers (AHC) will be painted blue and red with a white lotus emblem in the front and rear.

Speaking further, the defence spokesman declared that the government will provide free karate training to journalists, who – more than any other segment of society – have been victims of intimidation, threat and violence in the past few years. “Our government has taken the initiative to treat even journalists as people of this country” he said. “Karate means ‘bare hands’ in Japanese” the minister noted with a sparkle in his eye. “The government will soon be able to expose that the saying ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ is a western conspiratorial myth sponsored by the treacherous INGOs”. “We will take the pen away from journalists and teach them to defend themselves with noothing but their bare hands” he promised, pointing out that “In the past two and a half decades in particular, how many journalists who have tried to defend themselves with pens have been injured, maimed and killed?” he asked rhetorically. Last year, a newspaper editor was killed because, armed with only a pen, he could not adequately defend himself against four armed men in motorbikes?

Among a vast array of additional changes to the national security policy currently being planned by the defence establishment include importing special idiot proof limousines for government ministers, nurturing a traitor proof state media, establishing a law proof ‘dharmishta’ society and an election proof second term for the incumbent president.


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