Sri Lanka on the verge of discovering the value of life


Colombo, Sri Lanka – Researchers at the Sri Lankan Ministry of Defence and their counterparts at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute at Puthukkudiyirippu (formerly based in Kilinochchi) have been competing for months to produce the most accurate calculation of the value of life available to humanity.
The defence ministry spokesman who leads the government research team revealed their preliminary findings several months ago at the Media Centre for National Security. Speaking to Journalists, he reported that eight soldiers had died in battle the previous day, when the actual body count of security forces personnel killed in battle was thirteen. He assured that according to his scientific calculator, the given numbers indicated the value of a soldier’s life was approximately 0.6153846153846. Based on these figures, he said that 36.92307692307 valiant soldiers laid down their lives for the motherland when their busses came under terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago.
Mathematicians at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute rejected these figures as ‘laughable’. They claimed to have adopted more accurate methods which have enabled their organisation carry out hundreds of suicide bombings and still manage to balance their accounts at the end of every humanitarian year. They claim their accurate calculations and accounting methods have made their organization exempt from human rights tax and eligable for sympathy incentives both locally and internationally. According to the LTTE, the value of life (L) is;
1) Directly proportional to the number of civilians in their human shield
2) Inversely proportional to the number of white hairs in their leader’s moustache, squared.
Local web media reports indicate that progress is being made at a heightened pace of late in and around Puthukkudiyirippu towards the harmonisation of the GoSL’s and LTTE’s varying value of life calculations by civilians who are killing and dismembering themselves in the name of pure mathematics.


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