Government hospitalised

16Feb09

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Colombo, Sri Lanka – Our sources revealed that the Sri Lankan government was admitted to the proctology ward of the General hospital late last week after it complained about abdominal dysfunctions and severe pains in the butt. Leading British proctologist, Doctor Des Browne was pushed in to examine the government even before he was consulted. He later told reporters that he was unable to examine the patient due to an abnormal tightening of its anal sphincter (also known as the Bogollagama Muscle) – a muscular ring controlled by the government to keep the anus closed and prevent shit from going in or coming out.

It is believed that the government first reported these symptoms as it was trying to purge the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) – a group of intestinal parasites – out of the digestive system. It is feared that a particularly large and hardened lump of faecal matter comprising of the remaining cadre of the LTTE has been stuck in a one hundred square kilometre area of the rectum worsening the infection and causing severe constipation.

Local and foreign media nurses who have been poking their (gloved?) fingers up the governments arse have diagnosed that the most severe pains were reported in the appendix where close to a hundred thousand indigestible civilians have been stranded. The government has been complaining that the area around the civilians has been infected by HumanRights bacteria and NonGovernmental fungi. The Sri Lankan military doctors have been planning for several weeks if not months to surgically remove the appendix – without any apparent success so far. Dr Hector Weerasinghe, one time director of the Colombo National hospital told reporters that he no longer knows what’s going on, but pointed out that he redid his hairstyle to demonstrate how bad the whole situation has become.

Medical staff complain that the health of the state is difficult to determine – let alone diagnose because the government has been kicking and screaming to prevent sigmoidoscopes being inserted into its rectum. One of the last remaining working stethoscopes in the country was shot last month and one of the Digestive Disorders Diagnosis units of the local media vandalised by a group intent on hiding the symptoms instead of treating the cause. A spokesperson for the free media movement who was struggling to escape from the tight hold between the government’s butt cheeks admitted that “shit happens”.

The patient’s condition is not yet listed as critical, but further ingestion of “visa-guli” administered by local ‘ultra-nationalist’ (hora) Veda Mahaththayas has put the fate of this stubborn patient and its hapless dependants in a perilous situation.

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