Dejected but still in love: President rescues youth from heartbreak

13Jul10

Colombo, Sri Lanka – Temple Trees insiders yesterday, confirmed long standing suspicions that the Almighty President of Sri Lanka was heartbroken and has been sobbing uncontrollably in his room for over two months after being betrayed by a Chinese person whose hand he had held lovingly once upon a happy time.

However, “This was not a story where they lived happily ever after. The President was deceived and lured into a forbidden love from the beginning” revealed a close aid who refused to be named. It was an unlikely romance however that was never meant to be. Yet, despite the dark clouds of war crimes allegations gathering in the distant horizon and the thunder and lightening being sparked off by his own allies, the president remained defiant in his belief that love will conquer all. According to the Presidents brother who gets a cut from every deal, all the diplomats and heads of state wanted a piece of the great hero who had defeated terrorism. Basking in the glory of a victory which he had achieved by sacrificing other peoples lives, the President hung on to the dreams of a starry eyed romantic. He would realise a year later, with great pain and heartbreak, that ‘all is fair in love and war’.

A spokesperson for the Presidential Task Force for Alleviating Heartbreak and Pain (SHT-HPNS) speaking exclusively to Citizen’s News Diary while fasting in regret of the failed relationship, pointed out how “Lovers today can turn into enemies tomorrow”. “That’s the kind of world we live in” he mumbled through his goatee.

The Presidents other brother who is heading the task force pointed out that the government has developed a long term plan to stem the problem at its inception to ensure that heartbreak and pain will not have an adverse effect on Sri Lankan youth who have been found to be the most vulnerable demographic. He told Citizens News that the youth of the country should be educated about the consequences of heartbreak and pain and elaborated the plans formulated by his task force to carry out its mandate. “We have already commenced rounding up and arresting young couples in all major cities” he pointed out, adding that “in the first phase, we will arrest only the impoverished youth who do not have any idea about their fundamental rights so that we will not get into trouble and those who hold hands and kiss in public because they cannot afford a hotel room to avoid getting into trouble themselves”. The youth will be given a basic introduction to pain at the closest police station soon after their arrest, and it is expected they will face heartbreak in their interactions with broader society soon after. “What they need to realise is that love makes us weak, vulnerable and dependant” he reflected on the disgusting fate that has befallen the youth.

Another brother of the President has commenced the second phase of the government’s heartbreak and pain alleviation strategy by removing billboards and posters that are holding hands and kissing each other. “We will eliminate all signs that gives the impression to outsiders that Sri Lankans are going soft” he barked; “we need to stop holding hands and toughen the hell up”. “Kissing is for sissies” he said. The government will bring in tough new regulations to prosecute the ancient artists who are responsible for works such as the ‘Isuruminiya’ couple and Sigiriya frescoes which they believe is at the root of the present problems.

Another person who is almost like a brother of the President refused to speak to Citizens News, but judging by the gestures he made to our reporter on his way to console the President, it seems likely that making hand gestures in public resembling various forms of sexual activity is still allowed.

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Tags: brother, dejected, diplomat, hand holding, heartbreak, kiss, lanka, love, pain, panel, president, public, rejected, shit happens, soft sissies, sri, toughen up, united nations, war